March 13th, 2020

I came home last night at around 5pm MST and immediately went into self quarantine. It is advised that people traveling from Europe do this to limit the spread of the virus. My mom had a room set up for me, one with a shower, toilet, desk, and a TV. She was going to bring the food to my room, but I was not going to leave this room.

It may seem dramatic, but I have a younger sister, and my mom has had prior surgeries, I didn’t want to risk ANYTHING. I could complain about it after two weeks.

I showered, ate, and started disinfecting many of my possessions, my mom beginning washing a lot of the clothes that I had brought. I was starting to feel bad because my family was starting to go out of their way and inconveniencing themselves for me. My sister’s school district extended their spring break for a week, so she was going to be stuck at home with me.

Both my parents need to work, so we would be stuck at home. She would be responsible for bringing food to me and I could tell it was going to be very stressful for all of us.

I slept for about 12 hours after I came back. I woke up a few times, but I think I broke the jetlag pretty well by not sleeping on the plane at all. Today started with me waking up to snow and just being so shocked at the changes I was experiencing. I waited for my sister to wake up, got some food and decided to write. Here I am writing at this desk and just wondering at what just happened.

The world is in chaos.

I am so thankful for this study abroad experience for teaching me to not be a user of people and a taker of things, but to listen to the waves crashing AND to care deeply for those around you. I learned to be thankful for the walk up to see the view as much as I am for the view itself. I am thankful for the time spent with others, but valuing the unbearable nature of being by yourself. To feel lost is the start of being free. Feeling empty is a stepping stone to finding what makes you full.

“teaching me to not be a user of people and a taker of things”

I can’t help but feel helpless. Pastor Eric Simmons of Redeemer Church of Arlington posted this update for his church:

“I like order and I like peace. I don’t like entropy. 

And yet, this virus reminds me that not everything is as it should be in this world. Reality is rude that way. It reminds me I am created, not creator. If I am honest, I don’t like that. If I am honest, I also don’t like (at first blush) the answers I receive to comfort me.  

I was meditating on Lamentations 3:54-57 this morning.

“Water closed over my head; I said, ‘I am lost.’ I called on your name, O Lord, from the depths of the pit; you heard my plea…You came near me when I called on you; you said, ‘Do not Fear!’”

It could be I am not just weak, but also sinful and don’t like being told what to do – especially when I’m afraid. But I am not helped by being told what not to do: “don’t fear.”

Yet, here is what I have found – my shoulders could never carry sovereignty, and my hands can’t lift the weight of tomorrow’s problems, diseases, and suffering.”

Could you imagine if we, as humans, were in control? The Lord tells us to not fear and yet we panic as things not looking the ways that we plan them. We create chaos when our hopes seem far. God is not far, and He is never wrong. Do not doubt the strength of our Lord. He will carry us through the waters. I may feel powerless, but it is simply because I do not have power…and that’s okay.

Nahum 1:7 says “The Lord is good.” and indeed He was, is, and will continue to be.

Pray for our world. Pray for the homeless. Pray for the world economy. Pray for people who cannot afford to complain. Pray for those who do not have food. Pray for those who are scared. Pray for those abroad trying to get home. Pray for those who cannot go home. Pray for exhausted public health officials. Pray for our president and world leaders. Pray for those who are sick. Pray for those with children. Pray for schools. Pray for the powerful. Pray for the weak. Pray for the people at airports and pilots flying people full of panic. Pray for those covering these events in news and media. Pray for those with small businesses. Just pray.