Not only have I been busy with school and a bit overwhelmed with life, I haven’t had that much content to write about. 

Today was the first time in over a month that I wasn’t working on a Sunday, so I really had the whole day to myself and was excited for what I was going to do with this coveted free time. 

I actually didn’t even sleep in, I naturally woke up and got ready pretty early. I grabbed some coffee from a place I would never have the time to go to normally, I stopped by this cake shop and got WAY too many sweets for one, and ended with lunch at a place I hadn’t been in a while, only to be reminded of why I haven’t been there in two years. 

As I came back to campus, I wanted to go see my friend, David, perform in my school’s symphony. I hadn’t been to a performance since I stepped foot on this campus so I thought, why not?

I went in a little early to find a good seat, and I began to feel a bit uneasy as I remember that even a few years ago it was me that was on that stage. I was starting to feel a weird mix of anxiety, nostalgia, and quite honestly, some stress because of the memories I had from playing in orchestras and bands. 

As I began to reminisce, I got this strange feeling listening to the chatter on stage. 

The sound of people tuning their instruments, warming their fingers up, and nervously talking about the piece strangely hit home for me. It brought me back to the days where I was standing behind a black curtain playing two lines from a piece for chair auditions. The days in the bitter cold where I begrudgingly stomped my way through the snow to get to rehearsal. Those days where my lips were cracking and I was playing a concert with a bloody reed (GROSS I KNOW). That buzz brought back 7 years of my life that I had forgotten about.

I sat in the audience for the first time with the roles reversed and I was really blown away. 

The oboist gave the “concert A” and, in that moment, I realized I missed playing. After 7 years of having put hours and tears into playing the oboe, I came into college not thinking I was talented enough or thinking that music wasn’t going to be my career and not wanting to invest more time into something that I didn’t think was going to benefit me. Honestly in my first two years of college I didn’t even think about music, I didn’t want to go back to playing, and truth be told, I didn’t have the time/lifestyle to do music. It wasn’t realistic at the time. 

I think ROTC is amazing, it opened up a lot of doors for me and I met some of my best friends through the program, but as much as I was gaining there was a lot that I was missing out on. When I joined the program I didn’t think about all the opportunities that I would miss because of the time commitment or even the availability in my brain to different organizations. ROTC took up my life and stopped me from doing a lot of other things. After not doing the program anymore, I just realized how much more to college there was than what I was getting. 

There are so many people I wouldn’t have met, things I wouldn’t have seen, opinions that I wouldn’t have been able to keep if I was still in the ROTC program. While I’m grateful, I also regret not having invested in everything else sooner. 

I regret not audiencing right after high school. Why did I let my fear of not being good enough to stop me from doing something I invested so much time in? I wasn’t even that good in high school, why did I think all of a sudden I wasn’t good enough. I regret not going to more concerts even when I wasn’t playing. The music community is so powerful and as weird as everyone is, they are good people. I regret not keeping in contact with my oboe teacher more after college, who did I think I was to not thank her for the years she poured into me? I regret so much. 

I sat in the audience and fell in love with music again. Seeing the conductor looked at his orchestra with the feeling of accomplishment, figuring out which pair of black slacks I was going to wear and striking the stage after the concert were all things I missed dearly. I missed the corky speech the conductor would give just as a reminder that they learned just as much from this piece as we did. That feeling of accomplishing something as a team, the emotional and physical connection, the thrill of playing the last movement is something that you can’t organically produce anywhere else. 

Music was such a big part of my life, I regret neglecting that so early. But I know I am not too late. I’m thankful that it came at this time. I wouldn’t have felt this level of appreciation during my freshman year. I had to have this feeling of it being too late but also right on time during my junior year to show me what I was missing. 

While I am scared that the practice rooms will be too overwhelming and learning to read music again will definitely cause me some headaches. I hope I can boldly start playing, humbly knowing I am NOT GOOD, but that’s okay. I want to learn and play without obligation. I just want to have fun. This is life, figuring out what brings you happiness. Understanding your choices and being okay with those choices is something I am learning every day. I hope that everyone can fall in love with something that they once loved again. 

I want to feel that kind of joy again. I am so thankful to my teacher, Lori, who taught me for 7 years. She patiently listened to my middle school/high school drama (God bless her soul). To my mom, who instilled a love of music in me so early. To my high school band teacher, Mr. Ruffert, I owe everything to you. Thank you for encouraging me and making me feel special even when I wasn’t in marching band (sorry). David, thank you for inviting me to this concert that reminded me how to fall in love with music again and to my dear friend Nathan, who in every season of my life has been there to enjoy music with me. 

Finally, thank you Kannilinkov for composing work that brought me to tears. 

Thank you Lord for bringing me this feeling of fulfillment after a semester of being lost in my way. I don’t know the reasonings for your plan, but days like today remind me that I don’t need to. You will fill me with joy in ways I cannot yet understand. Thank you for being so good to me. 

With gratitude,

JLee