I recently realized that more than being burnout, I think I am more restless from feeling unfulfilled in my life. 

I wasn’t really feeling passionate about anything. I was moving forward but nothing was bringing me joy. I had plenty of support and I was having a lot riches conversations, but I wasn’t sold on the things I was saying. I had ideas and a lot of creative project proposals, and didn’t really have the energy to see them through. I know I’m going to be okay, but I was feeling unsatisfied with where God was leading, mainly because I didn’t even know where I wanted to go.

I was bitter hearing of other people’s clarity and severely discouraged that I wasn’t feeling that in my own life, and sad that I wasn’t content with my life. While I was getting a little burnt out, I found comfort after talking to a girl in my life group. She was saying she wasn’t satisfied in the direction of her life. I almost cried when she said that because that is EXACTLY how I was feeling.

I was feeling really emotional after looking at this piece of art. I was walking through my school’s museum and just stood in front of this piece for a while. I couldn’t understand what drew me to this piece, but after having made it my phone wallpaper for a week it hit me. This was how i was feeling the last couple months.

I was stuck in the inner rectangle wanting every line to fall perfectly in line. I found comfort in everything being in my hands and in my control. I felt safe not stretching myself because what was within my boundaries were enough for me. Everything was as it was supposed to be, nothing more and nothing less. Once the lines started deviating from those prescribed directions I thought they were supposed to be going, I got really overwhelmed.

Suddenly after taking a step back, it wasn’t chaos but order that God was bringing into my life.

There were some things that I didn’t understand, but there were more things that started to make more sense. When you get a different perspective on your life and step back more often than not, you can see that there was a bigger picture in store for you. After looking at this picture, I sobbed. If I could, I wish I could’ve hugged myself in that moment and tell myself that I was really proud of moving forward and not letting the things of the world drag me down.

I think the best thing that is helping me through this process is going back to the beginning. I want to fall in love with my life again. When I wake up for class, I want to remind myself of how lucky I am to be getting that education. On days that it’s hard to find joy in my friendships, I want to remember what brought me to that person in the first place. This life takes work and if you don’t continue to put work in, you will not get the results you want. I am resetting my goals and realigning them to what I have control over.

At first, I felt guilty for feeling like this because I am so blessed and there are a lot of things that I have that I shouldn’t be complaining about, but I was encouraged when more people around me had vocalized their struggles with this. It’s okay to not feel okay. Not knowing what you want to do is okay. Don’t let that cripple you, use it to propel you forward.

There are still things I don’t know and may not ever get the answer to, but I have come too long to give up now. I still feel restless and at times confused because of the lack of direction in my life, but I have decided to use that as the freedom to move forward without any restrictions.

Life moves on and I’m ready to move with it. 

Press on, my friend, you will see the fruits soon.

JLee